This story is part of The Wall of Wombs, our 2024 exhibition sharing honest, deeply personal journeys of motherhood.
What you’re reading is a direct transcription of a spoken story — shared bravely, in the speaker’s own words.
Listen to this story and explore others at wallofwombs.com.
My breastfeeding journey wasn’t an easy one. I feel like being a first-time mum, it is really hard to know what you’re doing right or even if you’ve had a bit of a gap in between babies and you just aren’t really sure, especially breastfeeding. You can’t see how much milk is coming out. You don’t know if you’re doing it right. You’re in hospital for X amount of days, and then you’re just meant to learn as you go, and you really don’t know if you’re doing it right or wrong. There is no right or wrong way, but you do get told some things where it’s like, you can’t do this, you can only do this, and so it is overwhelming.
When I was three weeks postpartum, Indy had slept through the night, so obviously because she wasn’t crying, I didn’t wake up. I woke up to a gorge breast, which then turned into fevers, which was the start of mastitis, the blocked milk duct.
I had it for two weeks, and there were so many emotions that came with it. There was, “Am I good enough? Why can’t I do this? I’m such a bad mum. I’m letting her down. I’m not nourishing her. I’m not nurturing her. I failed.” It’s like this moment where you wonder, is this it? Is the journey ending? It was very heartbreaking, and I went into quite a dark place at that time. Inside, I would just be hurting so much and just wanting to cry, and I did cry. A lot.
I felt so judged for buying formula in the aisle. I just don’t know why society has put this on us. There is no right or wrong way with how you feed, whether it be breastfed, bottle-fed, mixed-fed, like we mixed-fed Indy and she’s turned out great. I was bottle-fed, and there needs to be a stop around this stigma with breastfeeding and also bottle-feeding with formula and even breastfeeding in public. I remember just breastfeeding and also being judged by other mums. It’s such a weird thing. You know, you get mums where they’re so empowering, and that’s what I want to do—help empower and support other mums because I don’t know everything. I’m still learning as I go, and I’ll always be learning as I go. Every one of us is learning as we go.
It’s such a natural thing to do, breastfeeding, and I don’t want to be going out to the bathroom to feed my baby when I could be sitting at a cafe and doing it. We’re mums, we’re parents, and we’re all learning. There’s no right or wrong way. We just need to be there because everyone knows how hard it is. It can be so difficult. It can be challenging both mentally, physically, and emotionally. We just need to be each other’s cheerleaders.
One thing that I want to leave with you is that you are incredible. You should be so proud of yourself, and anytime that you ever think that you’re not good enough, you’re not doing the right thing, or that you feel overwhelmed or judged, just know that you know yourself best, you know your baby best. You should be so proud of everything that you’ve done.