This story is part of The Wall of Wombs, our 2024 exhibition sharing honest, deeply personal journeys of motherhood.
What you’re reading is a direct transcription of a spoken story — shared bravely, in the speaker’s own words.
Listen to this story and explore others at wallofwombs.com.
I was 29 when I went to the doctor for a sore arm, and a few months later, I was told that I had a breast tumour that needed to be removed. A few months after that, I was diagnosed with endometrial polyps. I ended up getting surgery a week out from my 30th birthday for both issues. It was quite a scary time, and I felt really lonely going through it. No one around me was having children at the time, and I just didn’t feel like this was something that I could talk about. So it was pretty miserable.
I was told that I wouldn’t be able to conceive and that I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed. Having these possibilities taken away from me was such a shock to the system. I’d never imagined my life without it. There were just things that I’d never questioned before. I come from a household where women’s issues weren’t talked about. They weren’t discussed. We didn’t talk about periods and fertility, certainly not getting pregnant. I just didn’t know how to navigate that period.
I am so grateful that I have now given birth to my baby girl six months ago, and she has been exclusively breastfed ever since. With pregnancy, I approached each week as a milestone that brought us closer to our baby girl being born safely. I hung on to that for a very long time. At first, I struggled to connect with my baby because I was worried that it would get taken away from me. But as the weeks went by, I wanted this so bad, and I could feel the love grow. Inch by inch, I just let myself believe, aside from my own intrusive thoughts.
I actually had an annoyingly blissful pregnancy. I didn’t have any symptoms. I loved being pregnant with my baby, especially as she grew and I could feel her move around my belly. I loved that time—the feeling of being able to carry life. It really felt like a privilege. When I first approached my motherhood journey, I felt the need to learn everything there is to learn about fertility, pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. I approached it feeling really prepared. Not that it changes anything in terms of how your birth can turn out, but at every stage of motherhood, I felt like I had all the knowledge necessary to make educated choices. I felt really empowered by that.
So I wouldn’t say that my birth was perfect, but I felt empowered throughout. It was beautiful and a really magical thing to go through with your partner. I feel like it’s really hard to discuss positive experiences in this space because women encounter so many challenges, but I’m a firm believer that all experiences deserve to be heard. Women need to know that these positive experiences are a possibility for them as well. It’s not to boast or make anyone feel uncomfortable, but it’s nice to know that it’s a possibility, and it’s empowering as well as being informative.
In my early postpartum, again, I felt so prepared. I had the best nourishing food lined up, the most supportive village of healthcare providers, family, and friends, and I had the best care products. I really felt cared for, and all that mattered in those first few months was the newborn bubble that I was in with my partner and my baby girl. It was truly magical.
I think what I found most challenging were the months and probably years to come after. In people’s minds, you’ve had your baby; now it’s time to come back to your normal life and your normal self. There’s no such thing as going back to who you were. You’re still trying to be the best mother you can be, but on top of everything else, you’re having to navigate sleepless nights, go back to work, figure out feeds away from home, new sleep patterns, illnesses, and teething. It’s just a lot. There’s no manual for it, and you’re still learning day in and day out, doing your best to be the best mother you can be. Meanwhile, everything has just gone back to normal. Everyone’s gone back to their lives and expects you to do the same, and it’s just impossible.
I think I found it most challenging because, having always wanted this and wanting to be a mother so bad, I thought the hard part would be getting there. Once I had my family, it would be this fairy tale where, if I worked hard enough, I could have the life I wanted with my family. I could be a good enough mom because if I put enough effort into it, it would just be what I wanted it to be. I didn’t realise that’s just not how it works. There’s a lot that’s still out of your control.
I think I couldn’t allow myself to admit to feeling challenges and experiencing challenges because I was just so lucky to be where I am, where so many struggle to get where I am. I really believe that all women encounter and experience some challenges throughout their motherhood journey. This is why it’s so important that we tell our stories and share our experiences, whether positive or challenging. It gives women the opportunity to be informed, know the possibilities and challenges, and feel prepared. If and when they do experience some of these challenges, they can feel connected, less alone, and supported. They can seek help and support, knowing what to do and when to do it. And I think that’s the most important thing.