You may find that those around you struggle to know what to say or do to support you. Some people may unintentionally make hurtful comments, while others may withdraw out of discomfort. Focus on surrounding yourself with those who offer the understanding and care you need. If you feel isolated, seeking a support group or professional counselling may be helpful.
The loss of a baby is one of life’s most distressing experiences. People often feel anxious or unsure about what they should do or say.
The most important thing for you to know is that parents need to have their loss acknowledged and their pain understood. By doing this, family and friends play an important part in shining a light on their grief and removing the social isolation and stigma associated with pregnancy loss.
Allowing parents to speak honestly and openly about how they are feeling, and about their experiences – both good and bad – is the best thing you can do. Using their baby’s name and giving them the space to talk through the many unanswered questions and lack of answers that they may have, will help alleviate some of the isolation and sense of failure that many parents experience after their loss.
Ways to support a loved one through loss
- Acknowledge their loss
- Listen and use their baby’s name
- Support without needing to fix
- Be mindful of your own feelings
- Offer practical help
Here are some examples of what to avoid and what to say or do instead:
WE UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN SUPPORTING SOMEONE AFTER THEIR PREGNANCY LOSS, THIS MAY TRIGGER YOUR OWN EXPERIENCES OF LOSS IN THE PAST.
This is a very normal response, and it is important that you also look after yourself. It may be helpful to focus on practical support – such as helping coordinate meals, supporting siblings – instead of sitting with the grief when you are feeling vulnerable. This will help you feel like you are still offering support but in a way that works best for both of you.
UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORTING YOUR PARTNER AFTER LOSS
Partners can sometimes feel left out when their baby dies. This may be more marked after a miscarriage because the mother has experienced the physical loss of the baby and so people think of her first and foremost. Also, some partners may find it difficult to express their emotions, which may lead others to assume their grief is less pronounced.
Grief resulting from early pregnancy loss can bring couples together, but it can also cause significant strain in relationships, particularly when parents express their grief in different ways and at different times. Try to accept these differences and support each other.
It can often be incorrectly assumed that as a partner, you do not feel as much grief because you had less physical contact with your baby than your partner did. However, many partners experience acute grief. This is a normal and natural response to the death of your baby. Grief can be physically exhausting, and you may feel tired, sick and perhaps depressed for a period. It is important to remember that there is no time frame for grief; it takes as long as it takes. Bereaved parents often recall many ups and downs during the months and years that follow their baby’s death.
Everybody grieves in their own way, and you are entitled to find yours.
ONE MODEL THAT IS HELPFUL FOR UNDERSTANDING GRIEF IS THE SPECTRUM BETWEEN INSTRUMENTAL AND INTUITIVE GRIEF
Instrumental grievers can find it difficult to talk about their feelings. They generally prefer to problem solve their way through grief. Intuitive grievers are expressive and find relief and healing in talking about their grief. Most people sit somewhere in the middle, but it can be upsetting to grieve alongside someone with a different style if you do not recognise this.
Being kind to each other in your grief and acknowledging that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, will encourage positive communication and understanding of your individual experiences.
Talking to each other about how you are feeling and what you need from them can also help build understanding and support.
Ways we can support our partners:
- Honouring your baby – You may have ways that you honour your baby separately and together. These may include rituals, sharing memories, creating reflective spaces in your home or garden, or attending remembrance activities.
- Allow each other the time to grieve separately – Allowing you both the space to express how you are feeling and trying not to put on a “brave face” when you are struggling.
- Take time to focus on your relationship – Create moments where you can enjoy spending time together.
- Accept help from others
Developed by Bare Mum in collaboration with Red Nose Australia.
recommended reads
