This story is part of The Wall of Wombs, our 2024 exhibition sharing honest, deeply personal journeys of motherhood.
What you’re reading is a direct transcription of a spoken story — shared bravely, in the speaker’s own words.
Listen to this story and explore others at wallofwombs.com.
For a little while now, we’ve always thought about having another baby. I’d like to have them relatively close together. So we decided recently to try again, and, quite fortunate at first that, we fell pregnant again quite easily, which we’re very grateful for. I know that’s not the case for everyone, but, I don’t know, straight away I just felt like something was not right. I was quite sick with Avian and tired, and then this time around, didn’t really feel that way. Just had some sporadic tiredness and sickness and just tried to convince myself that every pregnancy is different and you never know.
Then, last week, I just felt completely normal, again, didn’t feel pregnant, and then Friday night I was up all night just thinking about it, like something was wrong, and then Saturday morning I started to miscarry…. It’s funny, you think you’re okay with it and I think as I knew all along, something wasn’t right. It wasn’t too much of a shock. It’s still sad. You build a picture in your mind of what it’s going to be like…. I’m sorry….
I think I’m a very matter of fact person and I love science and evidence and that’s not for everybody, but for myself, I found a lot of comfort in the science behind it and what my body was doing. And again, this is helped by the fact that I already have a baby, so I can put faith in my body. So I know I’m fortunate in that sense but I was able to be grateful that maybe my body knew something wasn’t right and that it wasn’t. It was taking that in its own hands that comforted me a lot. Um, and also, I was very grateful and comforted in the fact that my body was doing it itself and that I didn’t need any medical intervention.
So again, I feel grateful and took comfort in those things.
So now, I mean, again, everyone will feel different, so to speak, for myself. But, I feel, strangely just so desperately pregnant again. I know some people say that it was a lot and that they’d rather wait, but feeling that, yeah, we’d still like to have to add to our family.
I wasn’t that far along. I was only seven weeks. So I hadn’t quite had a dating scan yet either, which I think plays into the idea that I hadn’t really heard the heartbeat or seen the baby yet, which personally, again, only for me, um, you know, I didn’t even really feel that pregnant. So I think that plays into a lot of how I feel now.
I think at first, because I hadn’t miscarried when you put the call out I, I wanted to just commemorate my body again and what it’s been through. And it’s probably, despite it being the most different it’s ever been, I’m probably the least self conscious about it. I have almost like a sense of respect for what it’s done and what it’s doing. I don’t think I ever would have done something like this before having a baby. I guess now it’s nice to commemorate what has happened. And even though it’s sad, to have a memory of that as well.
While I love being a mother it happens overnight almost. Like, yes, you’re pregnant, but you’re not your old self, but you’re not your new self yet. And you sit in between and then overnight you become a mum. And it’s so important, and I love that role, but yeah, it is a big shift that happens with no gradual…It’s like being given a job that you’ve never trained for, you didn’t interview for, and yeah, you can’t, you wouldn’t and you can’t change it.
You do hard things before motherhood and like I, you know, I always needed my eight hours sleep, and I had to do certain things my way, I liked my house clean and tidy, and now I like to look around my home at the end of the evening when it’s a complete bombsite and be proud of myself almost, that I put my effort and energy into her instead of keeping my house clean during the day. And just knows that I feel like I’ve had a day well spent, my energy in the right direction.
Motherhood’s not easy. It doesn’t matter. If you’re having issues with feeding, your own mental health, colic baby, I mean, there’s, you could list it for on and for ages, but everybody has their own battle.