Joelleen Winduss Paye, holistic IBCLC lactation consultant, opens up about her story of loss and how she feels about Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Can you tell me about your pregnancy, how it started, and how you felt?
We fell pregnant easily, for which we were very grateful. However, there was some initial shock and surprise. It felt surreal to finally be pregnant after longing to become a mum for such a long time. It's something I've always known, rather than something I had to decide. We soon became very excited and joyful; early pregnancy was a time of great happiness, despite a few weeks of food aversions, nausea, and early onset pelvic girdle pain. I was hopeful and trusted that this baby was meant to be.
When did things start to feel wrong, or did you experience any signs at all?
At 13 weeks, I was about to start a yoga class one late Sunday afternoon. I was enjoying some deep breathing while waiting for everyone to join the class. I had an intense moment of deep gratitude and connection to my baby’s soul, and my body filled with a white light - something I hadn't experienced before. As we began the class and did a few initial standing stretches, I felt a warm, rapid stream coming down my leg. I was alarmed, assuming it was urine. I rushed to the bathroom and found fresh red blood. I freaked out and thought the worst: I must be having a miscarriage. "No, no, no," I said to myself. I tried calling my husband several times, but he didn't answer. I rushed back to the class, trying to breathe, collected my things, and drove myself home.
When I got home, I told my husband what had happened, and I continued to bleed. Being a midwife, I knew it wasn't an alarming amount of blood for my own health, but I was deeply concerned for our baby. Being 13 weeks, I knew there wasn't anything that could be done to save the pregnancy. I called the midwife whom we hadn't met yet, as our official care was starting in a couple of weeks. She advised I could go to the hospital if I wanted, but I chose to stay home and try to stay calm. I called my boss (a Midwifery Manager) the next morning, and she said I should find out the cause of the bleeding, so we did. We found out there was still a heartbeat, a huge relief, and a scan a couple of days later revealed a subchorionic hematoma.
The fresh bleeding happened a couple more times before the pregnancy ended. In hindsight, I realise it was incredibly stressful, like constantly being on edge. We went to the hospital a few more times with fresh bleeding, where nothing could be done except checking my vitals and a quick bedside scan to reassure us that the baby was still alive. We had two more scans, revealing the hematoma was still present, but everything else looked okay. I was coming across stories of bleeding in pregnancy being fine, and also leading to loss, it was difficult to know how to feel.
How did you feel hearing of your loss for the first time?
It wasn't so much being told, but I went into labor not knowing I was in labor at 16 weeks and one day. When I felt my waters break, I knew things were not good. It was the middle of the night, and I chose to stay at home, as I knew there was nothing that could be done to save our baby at that point. Our original intention was to have a homebirth, so going to the hospital didnt feel like the right decision. I was in primal birth mode, focusing on what my body had to do, far too early. My husband was in shock and called on his family to support us.
When our baby girl was born, I wanted to look at her, but I felt scared to do so. As a midwife, I had seen babies born at slightly older gestations, so I knew what to expect to a degree. I had a brief look in the glow of our salt lamp night light. She was so still. Thinking back to that moment is so hard. I wish I had hugged and held her, but her body was so tiny, and her skin so delicate. We named her Saba Paye.
How did you cope in the days, weeks, and months that came afterwards?
I remember thinking to myself the next day, how would I get through this, and how was I going to live with the memory of losing our baby so early. There was a lot of sadness and shock for several months afterward. The first few days, I was quite delirious from the grief but also because I had COVID. In a way, I was grateful that I was 'sick' as it made me slow down and rest. My postpartum experience came so unexpectedly. As my pregnancy had just entered the second trimester, the physical toll of pregnancy and birth wasn't as significant as with a full-term baby, so in a sense it had to be a conscious effort to honour my postpartum body. The mental and emotional toll was immense.
We leaned on family and our support network as much as we could. I also wanted to be alone a lot. Grief is really isolating, and it's easy to tell yourself that no one understands. But there are people who do, and the loss community is a massive underground network that you don't know about until you're in it. I also leaned on friends who could hold space for our experience; some of them I talked to daily and am forever grateful for their patience and understanding during that time.
How did it affect your desire for a baby and future pregnancies?
Sometimes I would have a knee-jerk reaction and think, "I want another baby now." But I would always put the brakes on and think to myself that if we were to get pregnant and experience another loss, I would want us to be in a more resilient place. That's why we waited until the start of this year to try again.
It was hard to go through her due date and the end-of-year celebrations with no baby. The end of 2022 marked the end of the year our baby came and went, and it was a hard milestone to move past.
Had you told people about your pregnancy?
Yes, we had excitedly shared the news with many friends, family, and colleagues. It was too hard to keep it a secret. I hadn't shared it with my online community, and I just didn't have the strength to open up about our loss experience in those early days. I did allude to it with posts I shared, and I think some people had heard or got a sense of what I may have gone through.
I remember our first Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month after we lost Saba was really hard. I was not prepared for it. I don't know if the algorithm played into it, as I was obviously engaging with the content more than ever before, but it was a huge month of seeing loss stories online. It was all hitting really hard. October is such an important month for the loss community, but it can be emotionally draining depending on what you're going through at the time.
How did you feel talking to loved ones about your loss?
There was a mixture of responses. It really depended on how much ability they had to hold space for our emotions. It was incredibly difficult breaking the news initially. I recall calling my mother, and the early hour made her sense that something was wrong. I said, "Mum, I had the baby." And her response was just "Oh..." followed by silence. I could tell they were devastated for us, but they just didn't know what to say. That was a very tough moment.
Did you feel supported throughout your loss and grieving process (by your medical team, your partner, friends and family, your community)?
My husband and I held each other close. This experience deepened and strengthened our relationship like nothing else. We both went through and witnessed each other going through such heartbreak, which brought a profound level of compassion for one another. I now also see him as a loving bereaved Dad.
I was fortunate to have midwifery colleagues who came through in a major way. One of my managers supported me with time off and then flexible working hours, while another colleague came to take photos of our baby girl, measured her, recorded her birth weight, and made a keepsake box for us. I am so grateful for these gestures as we just didn't have the capacity to arrange them ourselves.
Our friends and family rallied around us as best as they could. There was a meal train for us during that first month, which helped so much. When your world is shattered like that, you can't simply run errands. The thought of cooking was just too much. Homecooked meals being delivered each night really helped lift our spirits, and I also believe it was essential for our mental health to consume lovingly prepared food.
How do you cope with the grief now?
It's been a year and a few months. We are pregnant again and conceived around a similar time as we did with our daughter, which feels quite surreal. I know on Mother's Day it really helped me to know there was another soul inside my womb. Her birth anniversary was a highly emotional day. We knew it would be significant. We went away for the night, and I remember shedding many tears by the beach. It was therapeutic to be in nature and by the water.
There are moments of sadness, and the grief will always be there. We are sad because we loved her so much.
What are some of the things you did/still do to honour your baby's life?
Channelling the love we felt and feel for her into our daily lives gives us strength. We talk about her a lot, and I love it when people say her name and ask about her story. It's a way to honour the short time she was with us.
On significant dates like her due date and birth date, we will always do something special to remember her.
Do you have any words of encouragement to share with anyone navigating the loss of a pregnancy or an infant?
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is tough. It's okay to not feel okay, and for the grief to take a long time to work its way through you. Think of the time you did have with your baby, even though it never feels like enough. Try to look at what you did have, not just what you have lost. Thinking about the could, would, and should haves can be excruciating. Connect with others in the loss community, hear their stories. They get it and can hold space for you. Be patient and kind to yourself.